Call me Scoop!

The all-class franchise was so kind to offer David Wesley his very own deep-insider gossip column. The Charlotte Hor--New Orleans Hornets are going through tough times and it makes me sad, so I am going on my computer and typing PAGE 4 to cheer me up on team flights and in my spare time and during practice and when Lord Byron makes me rest on the bench. DW's a little tired after that triple OT loss last night to the COney Island WARRRRRIOOOOORRRRRSSSSS, but I'm feeling pretty good ever since WE BEAT UTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right, baby, Hornets get first win on Klitschko missed freebies and riding the back of my high NRG 9 points1!! We're taking ALL THAT JAZZ back to the Bayou, baby!!! But first, we hear:

ITEM! Basketball Jesus Dwyane Wade sets new career high in OT win vs. Utah (WE BEAT UTAH!!!!!!!) and drops 23 in the 4th to finish with 39. Sources tell PAGE 4 he announced in the post (in the biz we call the post-game press conference the "post" or the "conf" or the "posty-press-confab") that his new nickname goes from BJ to BBJ in honor of fallen soulja Dirt McGirt. Big Baby Jesus to Shaq down low all day! Haven't seen a combo like that since it was me and Tito "D-D-Dirty" Sanchez (he had mad stutter!) back on Wichita Falls in '91, even though I wasn't on the team until '92. But I was big CBA fan!

ITEM! Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons get into dust-up soon after Big Baby Jesus levitates above the court and drops in winner for Heaven's Heat. Jermaine O'Neal like woah! Who knew a kid with more pimples than PJ Brown's neck after a trip to GNC (HIGH NRG!) could throw a right like that!! I haven't seen that much carnage since I murdered Bobby Phills! R.I..P. Philly Bob!!! (that's what we called him on the team you fans and outsiders wouldn't understand it WE WERE LIKE BROTHERS BRINGING HIGH NRG TO ALL THE ARENAS MAN!) Jamaal Tinsley holla at your boyzzz!!!

NEWS ANALYSIS! In the Association we have a little way of dealing with fans that get on our bad sides. You go upstairs to the room with all the cameras in it at halftime and point out the guy and then security leads them to a seacrest room where they break their hands with hammers like in that DeNiro movie "Marvin's Room!" No need to the dirty work yourself like in that Norm McDonalds movie "Dirty Work!" But Ron Testes (guys in the Association call him that but yo''re just fans and would''t understand) we feel for you here at DWHQ. TRU WARIER COME OUT TO PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. OMG I just realized that I put down seacrest instead of secret, I was just watching "Hangin' With Hung" with the fellas on the plane and I had AI on my mind LOL!!!!!!

INSIDER INFO ITEM! In Hornets first win of the season over Jazz who should now call themselves, Jamal Magloire led the team with 20 points. Jamal Mashburn, on the disabled list and watching the game on his expensive black leather couch that he lets me sleep on when we're done tipping back 40z (RIP PHILLY BOB) calls the team plane and tells J-Mags (it's the nickname the fellas on the team call him so you fans wouldn't understand cuz y'all just M$$$$$$$$$##G PLAYA HATERZ), "You are of great use to the Hornets, and I, of little. Take my A, and from now on they shall know you as Jamaal and I as J-Mal. Frankly, two Jamals on the same team that both went to Kentucky was getting me a little confused LOL!" J-Mags accepts the generosity and assumes the identity of Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer!!! PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE!

ITEM! The PR guys just told me that DW David Wesley #4 starting guard out of Baylor University leads the New Orleans Charlottes in Points, Assists, Steals, Freebie percent, Threepee percent, Hugs, Smiles, and Happy Funshine.

NEWS ANALYSIS OF PREVIOUS ITEM FEATURING EXCLUSIVE INSIDER INFO! Team's last in division but that's because the selfish Baron Von Davis does not get along with Lord Byron and he won't come back from injuries and hurt feelings. Pistols at dawn rumored but sources cannot confirm. Everything else AOK, according to Association sources!

BLIND ITEM! Which recently merged baller likes to take weekend trips into the Rocky Mountains where he tracks down animals and strangles them with his BEAR hands? This fluffy nougat says it helps him with his low post skills, AND FASHION GAME! It's Kenyon Martha Stewart! PETA, meet Kenyon LOL!